My Story
Growing up for me was not an easy task.
My mother was preoccupied with a troubled marriage and my older sister. I was a little on the hyper side and a lot on the mouthy side. I had no fear. My dad was a disciplinarian to the more extreme degree which resulted in a lot of beatings and mind games. Whether or not my sisters and I were touched inappropriately is still debatable. We all seem to have amnesia about it and when it does surface, it is just plain easier to get on with life through denial then to have to keep carrying its weight. Most of my childhood before age 13 has been blocked out.
That being said, that is not my story. It is just a side note. My life neither begins nor ends there.
My life really began at university when my eyes were opened to the concept of questioning. Sure, I knew about the concept before. But at university, I learned it wasn't bad. A whole new world opened up before me. Literature was my main teacher of this new thing. This beautiful, enticing thing. There were people, too. Mr. Freely. Stephen. Dorothy something. They started me thinking. Encouraged me to question. To open my eyes.
What a gift that was!
I first became interested in Judaism around 18ish. For whatever reason, and I suspect it has to do with me needing to search the ends of the Earth to understand it all, Judaism was not going to happen for me at that time. I spent the next 16 years (as of 2004) reviewing, learning about and appreciating many other religions like Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Kemetic, Hare Krishna, Jainism and many more. I enjoyed researching all these religions and have been able to learn at least something from each of them. I continue in my love of learning about other religions. However, it was often discouraging to learn about so many wonderful philosophies and ways of living but to not have any of them be my home.
Then I rediscovered Judaism.
These days there is a choice in being a Jew religiously. However, I don’t feel like it is a choice, spiritually or otherwise. I feel that it is necessary to make me who I am not only with respect to community, identity but also religiously/spiritually. There is a choice involved superficially but also there isn’t a choice. I was born attracted to concepts of divinity and how religion plays out in those views...and now I have found a religion that is compatible and comfortable and embracing, where "questioning" and "struggling" with what God is or isn't, what our purpose is or isn't...is expected.
It has turned out to be circular. I am back where I began.
For those of you reading this who have not found your home just yet...don't give up! The struggle to find it, while discouraging at times, is well worth it and has the effect of cultivating one spiritually and mentally.
Good luck for those searching and congratulations to those who have found their home!